Breaking Down The Myth: I’m Doing It For The Kids (Baby Momma Drama)

Guest writer:

Keosha Samuel

“You mean to tell me now that your baby mama knows we are getting serious she is finally ready to be the woman you want her to be? You really believe she now wants what you want out of a relationship? She is ready to be serious and you are falling for it? Oh, you say you are doing it for the kids?” This is how most conversations go when those aggravating words are spoken. It seems to be the main excuse men use when they need a way out of a relationship to go back to their baby’s mother. When things like that happen the commitment usually ends in turmoil because they get back together under the wrong circumstances. It is bull---- to only want to be with someone because someone else has them and it is also unsanitary (yep, unsanitary). Men have the tendency to play all of their cards and if the woman allows them to, they will do so just as freely as a bird flies. “I’m doing it for the kids” is so famous because it is understood and looked upon as a blessing if both parents are in the same household along with the children. Having “family values” and being “family oriented” become excuses when the children are used as the backbone to keep a family together even when one or both parents feel no attachment.

Breaking Down The Myth: Relations

Guest Writer:

Robert R. Jennings

Women are in control of their relationships based on their ability to trust their mate/s, maintain sex appeal, and control their sexual prowess. Males are  accused of unfaithfulness in relationships far too much. A woman’s ability to keep her man stimulated can lead to a non cheating partner as well as a successful partnership. Some women accuse males of cheating without any hint of uncovering the truth. A woman that can balance trust, confidence, and freakiness is a woman that will develop a partnership into a marriage.

Breaking Down the Myth: Open Your Mouth

(If you’re a “freak” take your mind out of the gutter)

Guest Writer

EnVogue Price

Ever seen your man out with that chick and swore he was flirting with her? Did you even take out the time to see who the chick was? It could’ve been his cousin or rather attractive auntie. Lack of communication is one of the reasons why a woman can’t keep a man. It's always, “you’re cheating”, “sleeping around”, or “you’re just with me to have somewhere to put your raggedy car”. The majority of the time it’s the total opposite on the dude's end. By constantly nagging and calling Shareka every time something goes down, it makes him go out and peruse/pursue (Take your pick) his other options.

In a relationship the whole thing is based on communication. Most men state in the beginning what they are looking for: Whether it’s long term, short term, or “I need you cause my baby momma is trippin” term. Women, though, want the dude to be a natural Houdini and wave his “magic stick” (Take your mind out the gutter…. Wait, no, leave it there...) and automatically know what she wants or expects from the relationship. When, really, the woman should open her mouth and say what she wants.

I’d bet if your man asked “what color hair you wear” so he can buy some new weave women won’t hesitate to open their mouths. Just like the man can lay it out on the line, so can YOU. Why be together or think about being together and ya’ll are on three different pages? It doesn’t make sense. Start on a strong foundation, know what you want, say what you want, and maybe your relationship will last.

EnVogue Price is a sophomore at LeMoyne Owen College, Majoring in English with a minor in Math; hit her up on twitter @iV0GUE.

Breaking Down The Myth is opening the floor up to writer's, bloggers and random 'experts' at chit chat on relationships to get a diverse opinion on friendship and relationships. If you'd like to write an article, and you can crack a joke or two, hit me up at cdburns@cbpublish.com

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 25

Chapter 25

I told you to bear with me. Now aren’t you glad you did? The whole engagement thing went over without a hitch. If I don’t say so myself it was smooth, just like me. Come on now, you know I’m smooth... Don’t front.

I truly hope you understand where this came from. I just felt a need to give you my story in the best way I knew how. I knew if I would’ve just told you about the Stages you woulda been like, “And who are you?” Sometimes a story has to be told. This is just the way I see it, but every man has a story, if you ask. But if you fail to ask then you’ll never know. In other words make a brother talk, before you give him your soul, make sure he’s willing to give you his. Who says all men are dogs? Whatever.



Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Stage Four isn’t approached without trepidation. It’s an awkward time for any man. Making a commitment is one thing but saying to a woman that you want to live the rest of your life with her is an entirely different monster. In other words Stage Four is the final phase before you leave the Stages behind altogether and graduate.

But this book is about the Stages not the graduation, so allow me to give you the specifics of what Stage Four is:

The road that has been traveled had so many obstructions in what lay ahead, that you can barely believe that you made it this far. You have finally accepted the fact that life is meant to be shared with the woman you care for, honor, and above all respect. Love comes after all of these other things. At Stage Four the words I love you are small compared to the feelings that you have for your lady. When you said those words in all the other stages it was a word that conveyed what you thought you felt. In Stage Four you no longer think it you live love, breath love and share it: that it being a commonality, sexual and mental connection that heightens each day that you are with her.

At the point when all of this has finally come together, you take the last step and ask her for her heart in marriage. You have doubts, but those fears soon subside when you realize that your relationship has survived the strains of ex girlfriends and major arguments. You buy the ring and become a part of a life circle. A never ending connection of souls that when completed will have no beginning and no end.

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 23

Chapter 23

I’m still trying to figure out a few things. If a relationship can be as good as it was with me and Janice why in the hell was I so afraid to try it before? I know the trauma from the first girlfriend thing was my excuse, but it was just that, an excuse. I should’ve done this relationship thing a long time ago. I’ve done things with Janice that you only do with a girl that you know and trust. Everything we do seems to be more fulfilling.

There are things that she does to keep our relationship fresh. She sits down on certain days and maintains a book, kinda like a log of all we do. The log has pictures, silly letters and other little things that we could look at and laugh at. That seemed so small to me when she started the book. Now that book is like an intricate part of who we are, it grew. All of the little stuff like catching a movie or walking and talking about things that we want and have dreamed about is something that I obviously hadn’t done with anybody else, except maybe Laney. I once thought that settling down meant you run out of things to talk about in a year or two. That can happen if you stop doing things. But the hobbies that we have always gives Janice and I some kinda conversational pieces. She reads a lot of books, which always gives her something to say and it’s not just meaningless little words to fill quiet space. Each word is meaningful, unless we’re just trippin. Janice is a dream come true for me, and Tina is a dream woman for Flip. The closer it came for me to propose though, the more nervous I got. I started feeling like I was doing this proposal thing more for myself than I was for her. Maybe it was a new experience that I wanted to have. I didn’t know. I just started feeling uncomfortable.

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Life becomes a habit if you don’t start doing something in your spare time to keep you sane. I had continued with my music, but I’d picked up another trade in my spare time, something I’d come to enjoy thoroughly, writing.

Flip had added more speakers to his house and bought a new amp for his system. He even bought a four track machine to record some stuff he and Tina had started doing. She played the piano and sang. Flip played the guitar, not well, but he was getting there. We would spend our Saturdays going to the beach or barbecuing in Flip’s backyard. Oh, Janice learned how to shop more efficiently and less over the course of the year, which was a really good thing for her. I guess clothes had become her hobby. She had even begun designing some skirts and other things. She hadn’t done anything with the designs, but she really got into it. Some of her stuff was really flyy.

Anyway December 3rd, Flip and I went to the mall to start looking for Christmas gifts. He had to buy things for his folks and I was looking for another gift for my sister and something for my mom who has everything already, except me at home.

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 21

Chapter 21

I was on top of the world after that night. My life seemed so perfect. We shared our first week with each other talking and feeling excited about us. It all seemed like a dream. I never expected to be this happy. The second week passed and Flip and I had talked about everything. About how I had adjusted and how he and Tina were doing. I knew that the day we went to church together that everything had changed in Tina and Flip’s lives. I could see it in her confidence and in the way he said her name everytime he had a chance. For the first time since Flip and I had been boys we shared the same thoughts about women and relationships. I remember saying that if there were three men, one would be Stage Four, one would be Stage Three and the other Stage Two. In all honesty I’m not sure how that one works. But I can confirm how Flip and I were, Stage Three all the way, the right way.

The wrong way would’ve been decisions to be with the ladies strictly for our own personal reasons. We laughed and joked at work and it made the days fly by. Our spirits seemed to affect everyone. The guys on the line seemed to be pushing out the equipment just as fast as we could inspect it. Even the engineers upstairs were coming down to the floor and inspecting stuff, at least trying to inspect stuff. Work was good and life was great, life is great.

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 20

Chapter 20

We made it home at a little after 10 pm. I instantly walked in and turned on the radio, which was routine for me. Janice walked over and turned it down.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I really can’t stand loud music late at night.”

“That wasn’t loud.” I turned the radio back to where it was.

“It’s loud Terrence.”

I knew we were headed into argument territory so I backed down. Sometimes you have to back down, but not all the time.

“I’m going to leave the radio on, but I’ll turn it down okay?”

“That’s cool,” she said confidently.

“Don’t think you’re going to win every little fight we have.”

“I don’t expect to. I don’t plan on fighting over too much, do you?” She slipped her shoes and socks off.

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Stage Three Amendment Two: When everything is stated and it’s honest and sincere, there is a feeling that comes over you that makes you shiver. It isn’t a small thing. It’s very noticeable and you remember it. It is the moment you realize that maybe you’ve found the right person.

I had to place in maybe because we have not, I repeat have not, made it to Stage Four. After that Saturday night at Flip’s house Janice and I went to our own homes. I didn’t push anything. I wanted to let everything settle down for a while before I tried to make love, or have sex, or relations, whatever you wanna call it. I wanted to give her time to reconsider and make sure she made the right decision. I also waited, for the same reason. When we left Flip’s place we all felt relieved, I think. Maybe the feeling wasn’t relief, it may have been something closer to true happiness. I hugged Janice and walked her to her car which was parked further down the street.

Part 2: Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 18

Chapter 18

I thought about what I would say to Janice on the drive to the house. How would I begin? I had been practicing certain lines like, “I want this thing to work but it’s gonna take both of us.” Nothing seemed real. It all sounded rehearsed. I figured when I saw her I’d know what to say. We pulled up in front of the house, I didn’t see her car. The garage door was open and my car sat next to Tina’s inside. But Janice’s car was nowhere in sight. I felt kinda depressed when I saw that.

I had really changed and I couldn’t believe that it had happened. Over the course of putting this down on paper everything I thought was going to happen didn’t. I converted and the funny thing is Clyde my barber said it would happen soon. He was right. When I asked him to give that card to old girl at the shop, he said something that I declined to say. That day in the shop went down like this, I hope you remember:

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Stage Three amendment: When a man has come to a fork in the road, he can’t sit and take his time. He has to choose and accept what may come. No turning back and going to look down the other road. Keep straight and accept it. Allow God to do his job and all things will turn out fine.

I thought long and hard about what had occurred. I knew that I’d made a mistake and that I’d blown my chance at stepping up. What I didn’t know was that I’d blow it in an attempt at moving up to Stage Three. That could’ve caused a bigger problem in the long run if I would’ve acted on my emotions and called Ros or Laney. The thought had crossed my mind. But I knew I had to reconsider. I wrote in my journal and it finally came to me. I had to get Janice back. I knew if I got Flip to talk to Tina then I could get back in there, but I had to fix this one. I had to take responsibility.

I didn’t talk to Janice for a week. That next weekend I had to help Flip move to his new place. He didn’t have much stuff, but the things he did have weighed a ton. We rented a truck and started with the living room. He refused to put his CD player and stereo stuff in the truck even though he still had the boxes for it all. There is nothing like a man and his music. Without a good stereo system a man is only half the man he could be. The same thing holds true for a man and his car. Flip saved all of his stereo equipment to move last. He put all of his stereo equipment into his SC. We filled the truck with all of the stuff and began cleaning the apartment. We didn’t have much to do considering Flip had stop spending the night at his house. He was staying with Tina at her crib, which is normal I guess. It’s that whole process when you start dating seriously. You spend one week at her house she spends the next week at yours. It eventually gets to the point that you question why you both have a place to stay. The normal progression is to make the next jump, moving in together. I guess that’s why Flip was asking me about it that day.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 16

Chapter 16

A reflection can be found anywhere, or it can come at anytime. Two of the most important reflections I’ve had in my adulthood happened because of a conversation with a brother three years younger than myself. Flip, like he said about Tina, was brought into my life for a reason. People coming into your life can happen guy to guy, just as it does with men and women. I knew it and I thanked God for bringing me a brother.

What I didn’t appreciate was his Stage Three whining. I just wasn’t in the mood for it. But he was my boy so I had to listen. Do you recall when I said that this book wasn’t going to change me, and that it was just a handbook? I guess by now you realize it’s more than that. It’s therapy. I’ve been listening to myself and actually paying attention to everything that’s going on around me. And for once, I’m willing to say that I would like to find a little peace.

It would be nice to wake up next to someone, without saying, “Damn, Damn, Damn,” like Florida Evans. It would be nice to know who’s calling when the phone rings and it would be nice to have consecutive birthday’s with the same woman. But there is always some unfinished business to take care of, so until I finish I won’t make that move. I’ll continue with what I’m doing.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 14

Chapter 14

This is where everything gets odd. In a handbook that details the circumstances, or patterns, that a man might go through in reaching the “promised land” of a “perfect” relationship, that handbook should remain somewhat reliable.

I had the best damn date a man could have without having sex. I wanted Janice so bad that night, I had to turn on some freaky deaky movies when I got back to the house. I thought getting next to Janice wouldn’t be a problem and that I’d be able to pull the whole thing off as I had with Laney. It just didn’t work that way, but that’s later.

For me to remain a reliable source, I have to say that I actually felt like shit after I cut Laney off. It wasn’t so much that my conscious was bothering me as it was that I saw her a few weeks after with some tall, White guy. That shit ate at me for more than a minute. I wondered if I drove her to that. I wondered if she would ever date a brother again. It was almost time for me to call her and see how she was doing, but ironically I didn’t know if I could handle it if she said she was already over me. I wouldn’t have appreciated that at all. Selfishness is not a good trait to have, and I think I’m guilty of being the most selfish guy in the world at times. Well, you reap what you sow. If I was indeed doing wrong, then it would come back on me, right? Then again, no it wouldn’t, the bad guys always get away with murder if they have the right defense, which I have. My defense is the truth. It ain’t my fault if women never ask the right questions. If a woman can honestly sit down and live her life without having to have a man then I wouldn’t go in and out of relationships because there wouldn’t be any one to go in and out on, you dig? You have to keep your eyes open. There are signs that a man is a Stage One or Two brother, clear signs. Allow me to share with you these pieces of info about the male psyche:

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 13

Chapter 13

            “You look beautiful Janice.”

            “Thank you.  Your hairline is kinda crooked.”

            “No it isn’t.”

            “It is.  The right side is a little higher than the left and a little bit is still over the ears.”

            “For real?”

            “I’m just messing with you about the hair over the ears, but your line is crooked.  Come to think of it, I’ve never seen your line crooked.”

            “I tried a new barber.”

            “Who Stevie Wonder?”

            “You know that’s wrong.  Why you making blind people jokes when you wear glasses?  You didn’t think I noticed that little bifocal line in your glasses either did you?”

            “I do not wear bifocals.”

            “And Stevie Wonder didn’t cut my hair.”

            “I was just kidding.  You’re sensitive today.  Don’t blame me for your bad hair cut.”

            “Alright, alright, I didn’t go to the barber shop.  I just bought these new clippers-”

            “What?  Speak up I can’t hear you.”

            “I just bought these new clippers and I tried to give myself a line this morning and I took it back too far.  You’re the only person that noticed today.”

            “You sure no one noticed, or did they just keep quiet?”

            “No one noticed.”

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 12

Chapter 12

So, if the easiest thing to do is lie, what is the second hardest thing to do? Maybe the hardest thing to do sometimes is tell the truth. I guess if telling the truth is the hardest thing to do then remembering what your lie is must be the second hardest. One of the bad things about Stage Two is the fact that you can no longer be completely honest. In Stage One you can tell the truth because you really don’t give a damn, you dig? When I began dealing with Laney and Janice. I had to lie. Not big all out bull, just small ones like ‘the overtime thing’ and the ‘I’m with Flip thing.’ I could use both of these with Laney but Janice was a different situation. I always said that I would never date a woman whose girlfriend was dating a friend of mine and here I was doing just that. I had to be extremely careful with what I said because from the day after Flip and Tina met, they were inseparable. The funniest thing in the world happens when a best friend goes to Stage Three, they stop calling their boys. Flip had started to cut down on the phone conversations and stopped coming by the crib so much. We spoke at work all the time but it wasn’t the same.

If you ever ask a man if he’s jealous of when his boy thinks he’s found the right person and he says that he’s not, it’s a lie. I was jealous like a kid watching that rich guy in the neighborhood ride his new big wheel down the street. I was jealous because it felt like Tina was taking my best friend. I should’ve been happy for him. Hell, he even stopped worrying about everything that bothered him at work. I was cool though, I pretended not to mind all of his antics and speeches about what he and Tina did over the weekend.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Considering all the things that come about in a matter of minutes, do you ever think that if given a chance you would go back and make all the things you’ve done right or better? I’m sure you do, I do to an extent. The people I may have hurt and the things I didn’t pay any attention to, the small things are the only things, I guess I would want to correct. Then again those two things pretty much cover the whole spectrum. What would you go back to correct?

I knew that night at the club, held an important time for Flip and I. The small things that occurred stuck with me, but they stayed buried for a long time. I didn’t accept any of what I learned that night, not one bit of it. Instead of looking around and truly taking in the atmosphere of the club, I continued to think about how I could get Flip to help me out with Janice and Tina.

There are always things that have to be stated as I move along with what I’m saying. Stage Two bore with it a change in the amount of time that I had to place into my relationships. Instead of two or three months to bring things to a conclusion, the time increased to six to eight months. It takes longer to find out about a woman to see if she is really your type. You had to plan it to make it work. Conversation, the first month, set things in motion if sex happened during the first month it’s cool. That’s something that can be considered a bonus. Once the friendship has been established and things are beginning to move past talking and towards sex everything can be played like Stage One. The problem with Two is in the break-up, that shit can actually hurt you as well as her, especially if she’s been accepting of whatever shit you’ve been pulling on her like: working late, ensuring that you have an argument every three weeks or so to ensure that you aren’t getting too close, things like that. I will admit now that it is probably the most calculating stage and the worst.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 10

Chapter 10

After placing the napkin in my pocket Flip looked at me like I was crazy.

“What did you just write?”

“Nothing.” I couldn’t let him see it. The things that went into my journal at the time were private.

I looked around the club to see who was in the house. I wanted to see if there may have been anybody that I might have known in there. I tended to forget that this wasn’t a club, club. The people that were here in all likelihood were college grads, or people who enjoyed jazz, real jazz. Not the contemporary fluff from saxophone players like Kenny G. Well, he’s okay, I just think he kind of goes against what jazz really is. He is not Jazz, he’s pop. Jazz is about experimentation, learning the old, discovering the new and finding the place where both past and present meet. I don’t think jazz was ever meant to be elevator music, or “put you on hold music.” But I love jazz and maybe that’s why I don’t understand how Kenny G is considered one of the greatest. Give me a fat platter of Trane and Bird and I’m a happy aficionado. That’s right aficionado. When I began going to the jazz clubs my reformation enabled me to broaden my vocab. My words began to fall in order like the lyrics to a song. I found myself talking without tripping over any statements. In a sense I was becoming elegant, smooth. Not quite refined as silk, but at this time leather was all I needed to compare myself to, rough in some places and smooth in others.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

“In thirteen seconds the tape will flip itself over if nothing is being played.” Flip said.

I drove up to Flip’s crib in La Jolla to look at his new stereo system. He had bought a CD player and a tape deck that did a lot of technical stuff that we usually consider work talk. But because of the importance of electronics, computers, cell phones, Playstations and anything else that uses batteries or voltage, for Flip and I to stand and wait on the tape door to open, slide out, turn around, retract and play with the same amount of clarity as it did on the first side, wasn’t a problem at all. As a matter of fact it was like a religious moment when the tape flipped and began to play.

“Nice huh?” he said.

“It’s pretty sweet. My tape deck will just reverse the tape without doing all of that.”

“But when it does that, it stretches the tape and can ruin it. The sound gets muffled.”

“Who cares Flip? No one listens to tapes in the house anymore.”

“But it’s nice to be able to pull out an old collection of tapes and play them, don’t you think?”

“I guess. I’d just buy the CD to replace the old tape.”

“Check this out then.”

He stood up and walked over to his shelf. On it sat a glass container with a CD inside of it. The CD was facing out, instead of laying down.

“Watch how this CD comes out.” He waved his hand in front of the stereo window and the glass windows slid open. “Ha Ha, yeah boy, you like that don’t you? Tell the truth that shit was dope, right, right?”

Flip was excited as hell. So I went along with it.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After church I made sure to call Ros up and let her know I was thinking about her. She told me how much she enjoyed us. I reciprocated her thoughts.

“I hope we can get together more often,” she said. I thought, “I don’t. I like it once a week if you don’t mind.” But I said, “That would be nice, but maybe we should make sure of what we’re doing here.”

“I agree, but for right now, it’s cool. No stress.”

No stress, just what I was trying to convey. For some reason it was like the lotto had walked in to find me, without me even buying a ticket.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to disrespect you,” I said.

“As long as you don’t throw shit in my face we’ll be okay.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just don’t lie to me. If you’re going to mess around then do it and let me go.”

“I hear you, but that sounds like-”

“But are you listening? I want you to let me know when you don’t want to be bothered. Don’t just start doing whatever and leaving me hanging.”

“Yeah, I’m listening. I won’t diss you.”

“Call me later, okay,” she said.