Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 14

Chapter 14

This is where everything gets odd. In a handbook that details the circumstances, or patterns, that a man might go through in reaching the “promised land” of a “perfect” relationship, that handbook should remain somewhat reliable.

I had the best damn date a man could have without having sex. I wanted Janice so bad that night, I had to turn on some freaky deaky movies when I got back to the house. I thought getting next to Janice wouldn’t be a problem and that I’d be able to pull the whole thing off as I had with Laney. It just didn’t work that way, but that’s later.

For me to remain a reliable source, I have to say that I actually felt like shit after I cut Laney off. It wasn’t so much that my conscious was bothering me as it was that I saw her a few weeks after with some tall, White guy. That shit ate at me for more than a minute. I wondered if I drove her to that. I wondered if she would ever date a brother again. It was almost time for me to call her and see how she was doing, but ironically I didn’t know if I could handle it if she said she was already over me. I wouldn’t have appreciated that at all. Selfishness is not a good trait to have, and I think I’m guilty of being the most selfish guy in the world at times. Well, you reap what you sow. If I was indeed doing wrong, then it would come back on me, right? Then again, no it wouldn’t, the bad guys always get away with murder if they have the right defense, which I have. My defense is the truth. It ain’t my fault if women never ask the right questions. If a woman can honestly sit down and live her life without having to have a man then I wouldn’t go in and out of relationships because there wouldn’t be any one to go in and out on, you dig? You have to keep your eyes open. There are signs that a man is a Stage One or Two brother, clear signs. Allow me to share with you these pieces of info about the male psyche:

Movie Review: Don't Let Me Drown (2009)

Most movie viewers are hedonistic in their approach to film. Unless the film satisfies some base connection most people only watch what looks like them. Often this leads to a skewed perception of what a great film is and can be. I find that to truly watch and care for film is to seek out cinema that can entertain, inspire, educate and generate discussion. Shameless Netflix plug.... now, Netflix is the perfect launching pad for young aspiring screenwriters and directors.  Netflix has so many titles available immediately that a lover of films can spend an entire weekend watching films from almost every culture in the world. Recently I've caught a couple of films that I highly recommend. One in particular resonates with my longing to see well developed characters with depth and complexities that can't be simply defined.

The film Don't Let Me Drown, directed by Cruz Angeles and co written by Maria Topete (2009), stars E.J. Bonilla and Gleendilys Inoa. These young actors form an unlikely couple in post September 11th New York. I guess the statement shouldn't be unlikely because they are both Latino. However, what many people fail to realize is that intraracism, or racism within the same groups, has a more harmful effect than basic racism. While race is only slightly shown in the film, which is set in New York in Brooklyn and Manhattan, for an African-American writer to witness the verbal attack from a Mexican mother on her son's Dominican girlfriend raises some interesting questions.

The main character Lalo (Bonilla) is the son of a janitor who has to clean up the debris at Gorund Zero. Lalo's mother is working hard to pay bills and is frustrated because her husband, a migrant, is not being paid on time. He is also progressively growing ill throughout the film from what he is inhaling on the job. However this subtle storyline is not developed in detail, but it does create texture and pathos for those watching. Lalo's love interest Stefanie (Inoa) is a young Dominican Girl beng raised in a household with an opressive father, who is genuinely the most attractive abusive character I've seen in film, which is an oxymoron obviously. His complexities derive from his oldest daughter dying in the collapse of the WTC. In him you find an opportunity to analyze abuse and control from a man attempting to understand how, and why his first daughter is gone. His emotional fragility in lieu of his wife's strength is compelling and makes for a character who in his attempt to control something becomes a destructive force. Tyler Perry should take note and learn to develop such complex characters.

Coming of age stories seem to be prevelant in the NYC film culture. Don't Let Me Drown follows suit with a perfectly paced narrative of the City and one of the many stories that are sure to be told for years. If you have a little time watch this film.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 13

Chapter 13

            “You look beautiful Janice.”

            “Thank you.  Your hairline is kinda crooked.”

            “No it isn’t.”

            “It is.  The right side is a little higher than the left and a little bit is still over the ears.”

            “For real?”

            “I’m just messing with you about the hair over the ears, but your line is crooked.  Come to think of it, I’ve never seen your line crooked.”

            “I tried a new barber.”

            “Who Stevie Wonder?”

            “You know that’s wrong.  Why you making blind people jokes when you wear glasses?  You didn’t think I noticed that little bifocal line in your glasses either did you?”

            “I do not wear bifocals.”

            “And Stevie Wonder didn’t cut my hair.”

            “I was just kidding.  You’re sensitive today.  Don’t blame me for your bad hair cut.”

            “Alright, alright, I didn’t go to the barber shop.  I just bought these new clippers-”

            “What?  Speak up I can’t hear you.”

            “I just bought these new clippers and I tried to give myself a line this morning and I took it back too far.  You’re the only person that noticed today.”

            “You sure no one noticed, or did they just keep quiet?”

            “No one noticed.”

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 12

Chapter 12

So, if the easiest thing to do is lie, what is the second hardest thing to do? Maybe the hardest thing to do sometimes is tell the truth. I guess if telling the truth is the hardest thing to do then remembering what your lie is must be the second hardest. One of the bad things about Stage Two is the fact that you can no longer be completely honest. In Stage One you can tell the truth because you really don’t give a damn, you dig? When I began dealing with Laney and Janice. I had to lie. Not big all out bull, just small ones like ‘the overtime thing’ and the ‘I’m with Flip thing.’ I could use both of these with Laney but Janice was a different situation. I always said that I would never date a woman whose girlfriend was dating a friend of mine and here I was doing just that. I had to be extremely careful with what I said because from the day after Flip and Tina met, they were inseparable. The funniest thing in the world happens when a best friend goes to Stage Three, they stop calling their boys. Flip had started to cut down on the phone conversations and stopped coming by the crib so much. We spoke at work all the time but it wasn’t the same.

If you ever ask a man if he’s jealous of when his boy thinks he’s found the right person and he says that he’s not, it’s a lie. I was jealous like a kid watching that rich guy in the neighborhood ride his new big wheel down the street. I was jealous because it felt like Tina was taking my best friend. I should’ve been happy for him. Hell, he even stopped worrying about everything that bothered him at work. I was cool though, I pretended not to mind all of his antics and speeches about what he and Tina did over the weekend.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Considering all the things that come about in a matter of minutes, do you ever think that if given a chance you would go back and make all the things you’ve done right or better? I’m sure you do, I do to an extent. The people I may have hurt and the things I didn’t pay any attention to, the small things are the only things, I guess I would want to correct. Then again those two things pretty much cover the whole spectrum. What would you go back to correct?

I knew that night at the club, held an important time for Flip and I. The small things that occurred stuck with me, but they stayed buried for a long time. I didn’t accept any of what I learned that night, not one bit of it. Instead of looking around and truly taking in the atmosphere of the club, I continued to think about how I could get Flip to help me out with Janice and Tina.

There are always things that have to be stated as I move along with what I’m saying. Stage Two bore with it a change in the amount of time that I had to place into my relationships. Instead of two or three months to bring things to a conclusion, the time increased to six to eight months. It takes longer to find out about a woman to see if she is really your type. You had to plan it to make it work. Conversation, the first month, set things in motion if sex happened during the first month it’s cool. That’s something that can be considered a bonus. Once the friendship has been established and things are beginning to move past talking and towards sex everything can be played like Stage One. The problem with Two is in the break-up, that shit can actually hurt you as well as her, especially if she’s been accepting of whatever shit you’ve been pulling on her like: working late, ensuring that you have an argument every three weeks or so to ensure that you aren’t getting too close, things like that. I will admit now that it is probably the most calculating stage and the worst.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 10

Chapter 10

After placing the napkin in my pocket Flip looked at me like I was crazy.

“What did you just write?”

“Nothing.” I couldn’t let him see it. The things that went into my journal at the time were private.

I looked around the club to see who was in the house. I wanted to see if there may have been anybody that I might have known in there. I tended to forget that this wasn’t a club, club. The people that were here in all likelihood were college grads, or people who enjoyed jazz, real jazz. Not the contemporary fluff from saxophone players like Kenny G. Well, he’s okay, I just think he kind of goes against what jazz really is. He is not Jazz, he’s pop. Jazz is about experimentation, learning the old, discovering the new and finding the place where both past and present meet. I don’t think jazz was ever meant to be elevator music, or “put you on hold music.” But I love jazz and maybe that’s why I don’t understand how Kenny G is considered one of the greatest. Give me a fat platter of Trane and Bird and I’m a happy aficionado. That’s right aficionado. When I began going to the jazz clubs my reformation enabled me to broaden my vocab. My words began to fall in order like the lyrics to a song. I found myself talking without tripping over any statements. In a sense I was becoming elegant, smooth. Not quite refined as silk, but at this time leather was all I needed to compare myself to, rough in some places and smooth in others.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

“In thirteen seconds the tape will flip itself over if nothing is being played.” Flip said.

I drove up to Flip’s crib in La Jolla to look at his new stereo system. He had bought a CD player and a tape deck that did a lot of technical stuff that we usually consider work talk. But because of the importance of electronics, computers, cell phones, Playstations and anything else that uses batteries or voltage, for Flip and I to stand and wait on the tape door to open, slide out, turn around, retract and play with the same amount of clarity as it did on the first side, wasn’t a problem at all. As a matter of fact it was like a religious moment when the tape flipped and began to play.

“Nice huh?” he said.

“It’s pretty sweet. My tape deck will just reverse the tape without doing all of that.”

“But when it does that, it stretches the tape and can ruin it. The sound gets muffled.”

“Who cares Flip? No one listens to tapes in the house anymore.”

“But it’s nice to be able to pull out an old collection of tapes and play them, don’t you think?”

“I guess. I’d just buy the CD to replace the old tape.”

“Check this out then.”

He stood up and walked over to his shelf. On it sat a glass container with a CD inside of it. The CD was facing out, instead of laying down.

“Watch how this CD comes out.” He waved his hand in front of the stereo window and the glass windows slid open. “Ha Ha, yeah boy, you like that don’t you? Tell the truth that shit was dope, right, right?”

Flip was excited as hell. So I went along with it.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After church I made sure to call Ros up and let her know I was thinking about her. She told me how much she enjoyed us. I reciprocated her thoughts.

“I hope we can get together more often,” she said. I thought, “I don’t. I like it once a week if you don’t mind.” But I said, “That would be nice, but maybe we should make sure of what we’re doing here.”

“I agree, but for right now, it’s cool. No stress.”

No stress, just what I was trying to convey. For some reason it was like the lotto had walked in to find me, without me even buying a ticket.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to disrespect you,” I said.

“As long as you don’t throw shit in my face we’ll be okay.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just don’t lie to me. If you’re going to mess around then do it and let me go.”

“I hear you, but that sounds like-”

“But are you listening? I want you to let me know when you don’t want to be bothered. Don’t just start doing whatever and leaving me hanging.”

“Yeah, I’m listening. I won’t diss you.”

“Call me later, okay,” she said.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I picked up Ros from her house, which was off of Euclid. Not the best part of town, but her mother’s home was in a quiet section of Southeast San Diego. I always felt that Flip and I were the only Black men that stayed above Highway Eight, which ran east to west from the beach, to the mountains. A highway that cuts the city in half. It was almost subliminal segregation. The Blacks didn’t seem to want to go above the eight to live, and all the Whites were fleeing from below the eight to stay in “better” areas. Then again it wasn’t subliminal at all, it was kind of the way the city was developed. Cheaper properties established below and more expensive ones set up above. The well off still overseeing the workers, go figure.

Ros walked out of the house looking radiant. Her legs looked strong and full underneath her skirt. She wore a blue silk blouse that buttoned up the front to a place right above where you could see her cleavage. Her breast pushed the shirt out, not quite tight but enough to show the size. I looked her up and down and took her in with all of my senses. Her voice was heavy, in a sexy way. She hugged her little boy at the door and began walking towards the car. I climbed out to open the door for her. I liked the way her make-up made her face look a little darker than she was. Her hair was styled nicely with a layer pulled over the left side of her forehead and eye. She licked her lips before she spoke.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Thankfully, everything had worked out with Laney leaving and all. I had been rapping with Ros for almost four weeks. We hadn’t gone out because of conflicting schedules. My job and Laney held me captive. Ros’ son and work held her captive. But the weekend when Laney left, our clocks became magically synchronized. We set up dinner at the Olive Garden on Saturday. Flip wanted to double date, but that was a major no-no. Never allow two women, that you have no intention on making your ladies, see each other. Flip knew that, but he was slippin. He called me the day after Laney left which was a Saturday.

“Damn Tee I don’t get to see you no more. You leave work and don’t call me. We don’t go out anymore. I need to know if we’re together or not?”

“Flip quit trippin.”

“So what’s up?”

“I told you Laney left yesterday right?”

“Yeah, I had to cover for your ass down on the floor at work. You remember that don’t you? Seemed as if she had you stretched out.”

“Little bit. Man, what’s up with you leaving the message about double dating? You know better.”

“I just figured-”

“Sounds as if you’re the one that’s got his nose open.”

“I’m coming over,” he said.

“That’s cool for a little while, but I’m going out with Ros at seven.”

“We got about an hour to talk?”

“Is everything cool?”

“It’s the job man,” he responded.

“I’ll see you in a minute, peace.”

In the past few months that Flip and I had been hanging, I allowed his job position and how he seemed to deal with his personal life so well, blind me to the reality that he was still young. Before Flip made it over, I wrote in my journal what had occurred with Laney. I wondered if I handled it in the right way. I think I did. I told her that I wasn’t looking for anything that would be extremely serious, she knew that. By telling her, before she left, about how I felt, the window of opportunity remained open. She could neither hate me or regret what occurred. The best thing was that she would still want me when she got back.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A couple of years have passed since I read over my older journal entries. I always scrolled through the entries, but I was usually looking for a specific thought or incident. Since I decided to create this book, I’ve been looking at those early entries that were written before the art gallery. The section that gave me the biggest kick was this period of time that I had labeled: The Playoffs. This was when I would go to the club and see how many numbers I could leave with. Flip had came out of his shell, but he still didn’t seem to be interested in doing the things I was doing. He did do okay for himself.

During the playoffs, on my best day, I got seven numbers counting the ones before and after going to the club. Of course two of them were incorrect, one of the women had what my man Flip called the DDF. The distance distortion factor, honey was troubled in the face, but she had body so I kept the number just in case.

The other three began a series of interludes which eventually brought me to my current stage. Flip got three numbers, one of his was wrong. The ratio for us always seemed to be three to one. Out of three numbers, one would always be a throw away.

What bugs me, since I’m not an uncompassionate man, was how easy it was to deceive the women who I was seeing at that time. I didn’t have to put much work into it. Why is it that women fail to question a brother in the first few months of a relationship? Is it because they are just meeting you and they don’t want to push you away too fast? Or is it that the women I chose were just simple. One sister was in the military, Laney. The other two both had kids, Ros, short for Rosalyn, and Eva. I could give you a detailed account of this era, but it would take entirely too long. On the other hand I guess it’s important considering this is the only time you’ll get to see me before I discovered smoothnicity, and discussing this will help paint a clearer picture of the stages.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I guess it’s time to lay down the law for you about the stages. As I said, this book is going to be a process. The stages, how can I explain, about three years ago after I met Flip I began to realize something about myself. I also recognized things about other brothers, but it doesn’t make any sense to give you those details. If I maintain my focus a more concise outline will be developed.

I was having a conversation with this sister at an art gallery about some of the pictures, a conversation that eventually turned into a discussion about men and women.

“Terrence right? That’s your name I don’t want to call you out of your name,” she asked. I’d attempted to get her attention several times before I finally introduced myself. Her comment about a picture of an African mask painted on the face of a man dancing in the center of a group of people, gave me the perfect opportunity to talk with her.

Why College is so Difficult for Many Black Students

This is not an academic article on the struggles of college for the Black student. I am not attempting to explain why there are not many Black males enrolled in college as there are females.  What I am doing here is explaining something that I have always recognized, but until this weekend, became clear. I moved from multicultural San Diego to two culture Memphis to teach at a HBCU. I eventually left that HBCU when I was up for tenure, which is another story altogether. I bring this up to state that I have been in both forms of colleges, large predominantly White schools and a Black school. Like I said though, one thing stood out that I hadn't really analyzed until now. Black students, slight generalization coming, seem to be the only students who can face the awkward situation of being uncomfortable when returning home between semesters.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The easiest way to present what I’m trying to disclose here is to simply show rather than tell. I know, as smooth as I am, even a brother that’s got his stuff together can get on your nerves. I wouldn’t want that to happen because what I’m saying here is important. It’s as serious as someone sitting on your new couch, jheri curl smearing on the material leaving a stain that, if not cleaned immediately, leaves a hole in the linen, woven cloth couch that you recently bought after you had just enough money to pay off the layaway on the rest of your living room set. It’s serious.

When a man has reached the point where he wants to call it quits from the race, he quits sometimes because of meeting the right woman. I believe there is something that will cause a brother to change more often than the right woman, frustration. The fun in being with more than one woman kind of plays itself out really fast, but you wouldn’t know that because of how most men live. The whole dating scene is a pain, the riding around looking cool, saying the right things, hoping that a woman will accept what you’re saying so you can hook her, it’s all a big pain. So why do we do it? Ego, maybe, fear, maybe. Mostly it’s the idea that we can have whatever we want, whenever we want, selfishness. Frustration is a constant for a Stage One or Two man. It is this frustration that is the precursor for most men who settle down.

Stages: Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My philosophy on relationships is straight out of the Bible, “Do unto others.” The way I see it, you’re only going to get married once. At least I am. I figure if I get all this playing games stuff outta my system now, I’ll be a better man for it. I’ll be able to love whoever I decide to settle down with unconditionally because I will have gone through my midlife crisis.

Look at it this way. If a brother doesn’t get to hit at least twenty different women in his life, okay fif-, how about eight different women in his life before he settles down, then he’s going to mess around. I don’t give a damn who he is, he will fuck around on his wife cause he’ll always be like, ‘Damn I didn’t get to hit any other skins, and look at that sister right there.’ That’s right, that’s the kind of thing he’ll say right before he tips his butt out to the Freaky Luv hotel on MLK avenue, cross the skreet from the store where he bought his Big Ding Dings Condoms. Don’t laugh, you know I’m right. A man has to get this stuff outta his system, if he doesn’t then he becomes one of those cats that turns forty-eight years old and goes out to buy a red Corvette and find him a little White, Black, or it doesn’t matter what color, chick with some plastic titties to spend all of his wife’s hard earned money on. More than likely he’ll find a woman that’s different or to use a more concise explanation, the exact opposite, of the woman he’s with. So understand that if a brother doesn’t go out and be wrong for a little while he’s never gonna be able to get right.

I’ve begun to figure out that it’s better for me to stick to my own kind. A lot of brothers out here in sunny California don’t feel that way. Don’t get me wrong, ain’t nothing wrong with having sex with others, but it’s awfully hard to settle down with someone that isn’t the same race as you. I don’t want to go through the drama which comes along with interracial romance stuff, like the stares and whispers from people you don’t know and hell, the stares and whispers from the people you do know. Don’t get me wrong I’m an equal opportunity man, it’s just awkward. If I happen to fall for someone that isn’t Black I would really have to put my life in perspective. With sisters I can feel comfortable if my plans go awry. I’m not saying it’s okay to play sisters and not play other women, I’m just saying that I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting caught up with someone other than a sister. You know what I mean?

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Smooth, smoothness, smoothnicity, which is the act and philosophy of being cool, is all in the mind. Check this out, last week I was sitting at the barber shop having my fade tightened up so my waves would be on point for the weekend. I’m sitting in the chair rapping with my man Clyde as he carefully slides the clippers around the sides of my head. The chair is lifted up just enough for me to see the opposite side of the shop. The beauty side. I’d noticed earlier this nice looking sister had come in with this thick brother. She was about my color, Hershey brown, her long legs were wrapped up in a pair of khaki capri pants, with a tight white t-shirt on, that fit perfectly around a handful of breasts, just what I like. Her big ass boyfriend was sitting in front of me, reading a magazine and checking out the beauty of the week, like any brother would. And just like most brothers he wasn’t paying any attention to his lady.

I would’ve been over there talking to her making sure every brother in the joint knew she was with me, but he was slipping. He was in his own world, giving every brother in the shop a chance to look at this sister. I was the main cat looking, from the time she walked in. I hoped she would catch me sneaking a peak and hear me rapping with Clyde about how beautiful she was. If she could read thoughts or lips that is. So here I am sitting in the chair and her boyfriend sits down about eight feet from me by the window, the sun slapping him on the back of his fat neck making him sweat. His lady comes close to the barber’s chairs. I say to Clyde softly as she passes, but just enough for her to hear.

Stages: A Handbook on Men and Relationships

The holidays are the perfect time to pick up a new book, but a lot of you spend more time on your computers now. My gift to you for visiting the site is that I am going to serialize my novel Stages. I am going to post each section here on the site for you to read when you get bored. I hope you take a few minutes to post comments on each section. Some of the chapters will be split due to length, but I'm sure you want mind. At anytime you can buy the novel if you want to read the old school way. I hope you guys enjoy this.

Introduction

A handbook is an informative collection of thoughts on a certain subject, right? But why is it the one handbook you’re looking for never seems to exist? That one book that will explain the only thing that seems to be important to women most of the time: How and why do men do the things that they do?

A couple of years ago I had the bright idea to write down this philosophy that I came up with. It wasn’t until recently that I decided that I should enlighten others with this theory of mine. This super informative handbook was put together to benefit both men and women. Now I’m not saying what you’ll find between these pages will repair or prevent certain things from happening, but it will place a new perspective on how a male develops in response to relationships. I think what is written will clarify what a man might be going through at a certain time. Sounds interesting huh?

The easiest way to give you my philosophy on the phases that a man goes through before he decides to call it quits, is to give you my story. If you get to parts of the book you find familiar, bookmark that section and speak to someone about it. Who knows, you might find that this book can help with certain issues. Remember this book was written over a course of time and then pieced together to ensure that this tour of understanding remains clear. What I’m saying is follow close and highlight sections, so when the time comes to have some sort of discourse with a friend or a loved one, you’ll have something to use as a foundation for a pretty good argument, or a pretty good discussion.

The Commodification of Love

The holidays can be a time of duress and frustration for a struggling family. When you are unable to show your love through the delivery of gifts to family members and friends you feel inadequate and empty. At this point of the year the worst thing you can do is go out and use credit to generate a false sense of happiness for another person. As tempting as it is to grab a credit card and swipe, swipe, the consequences and ramifications of “giving” can be so detrimental that you can find yourself paying for it throughout the year of 2011 and beyond.

Not to deviate, but the government, your city, your state, the economy relies on the inability of Americans to display true love, affection and sharing. In other words, the economy is based on peak shopping periods and advertising and marketing are amped up to take advantage of the guilt that is associated with not delivering those gifts from Santa to the whole family. When you spend it creates tax revenue and jobs and these things are good, but for who?

I want to make this clear, we can not build wealth if we are spending on things that are supposed to show your love when love is not to be shown through an item. Love is an abstract idea that is shown in the simplest gestures. If you can wake up and cook breakfast for your family and this is out of the normal then that is a beautiful gift. If you can take the family for a drive to a local place that you have always wanted to see, that is love. If you do something as simple as spending two hours on the floor playing with your children, that is the greatest gift a child can receive.

Love has been taken from the realm of sharing life wealth, and it has been packaged with a theme song and a bow from your local mall. In creating the need to give a present as a representation of happiness, we have built a society that no longer recognizes the little things needed to gain wealth. I am not talking about money here, I am talking about life wealth. The unfortunate association of gifts with special days, for the poor person, is a frightening thing.

In the mind of a person who reads this and thinks, “This guy just doesn’t want to spend money on gifts.” I make this one statement in regard to this frame of mind… You are right. I don’t want to buy gifts. I want to make sure that I don’t create more bills than I can afford which will develop into arguments and strained financial relationships. These things are what lead to unhealthy children, divorce and debt. You are right I don’t want to buy gifts that I can’t afford. I don’t want to be persuaded by a date on a calendar to purchase items for my family because it is the ‘American Way’.

What I do want is for my family to be healthy. I want my children to know that gifts don’t make you happy, family does, caring does and what better way to show this than by giving them the most important thing they will ever get, time.

Yes, the holidays can be depressing and stressful when you can’t afford to give, but if you make it a point to share your time with your family: Run a race against your child, run a bath and give your spouse a bath, go to the movies as a family and splurge on the popcorn, visit your family and tell yourself that it is okay to not be able to give. Save for today, so that in the future you can give without the burden of debt and struggling. Enjoy your Turkey Day and think about alternative gifts for the family. Do not put yourself in a difficult position by rushing out to the store after Turkey day sales or being taken in by the guilt associated with not giving. If you can not withstand the pressure, then make sure whatever you buy is within your budget, give gift cards, visit CB Publishing and buy books (wink wink), give someone a CD that they really like. Give gift certificates for the movies or restaurants. Give someone a break from their regular life. A ring or watch can’t give you much needed rest or quiet, but a great meal at a restaurant is sometimes one of the most inexpensive great gifts you can give. For a new mom, a dad who takes the baby for six hours is giving the best gift of all. Think about the small things and don’t be bullied by Santa.

Being in a Relationship is Hard Work

art by Ron Smith of San Diego (RIP)

After thinking and thinking and thinking about what to write in this section, I finally came up with a series of questions that should have done the trick and allowed me to write a long series of articles, but they all became small next to the idea of breaking down the myths associated with relationships. When we all look at it, after reading the books and articles and listening to all of the radio personalities who claim to be relationship experts, although they aren’t married, and watching all of the talk show hosts who teach us how to keep it together, it still seems that we have bought into the negative ideas of love and all of the ideas and myths associated with the perceived difficulty of developing and maintaining relationships.

These myths have been around so long that rather than the words being considered cliché, they are now taken as law. We assume a relationship will be difficult. We assume and expect relationships to fail. We know that men are going to cheat and that women are going to retaliate. We know every dude is on the damn downlow and that all women have closet lesbian lovers. Shall I go on?

Before I begin giving relationship advice and presenting myself as an expert; which I’m not, but just imagine you are reading this on a burgundy leather sofa in a room with hardwood floors and paintings on the wall by Ernie Barnes (I’m a sports guy what did you expect). The curtains are pulled open and held by gold colored ropes. The skyline is showing through the window. I have a pen and a pad, my glasses are sitting on my nose and … forget it. I’m your therapist doggone it.
Let’s climb into this discussion on the myth of the difficult relationship. First, the fact that Black women love Black men to a fault could be one of the foundations of the hard work myth, but that is another topic altogether. Second, sisters who seek to save men (poor cats) or only date certain types of men (rich cats) actually create and sustain the myth of the relationships being hard work. I feel that I am attacking.

Am I placing the blame on Black women here…? Yes and no, I hate ambiguity and indecisiveness, but as with any discussion there is always a refutation and this is not a definitive article.

Relationships are a two sided coin but women do tend to make things a lot more difficult than they have to. Relationships are easy to maintain. If everyone is honest about important things and you lie about small things, your relationship will be fine. Is it this simple? Yes it is. See, most of the time a man does not want to argue and a man will avoid an argument. But women push the issue on things and then misunderstandings take place and everyone ends up hurt and frustrated when the initial reason for arguing was: Why don’t you drive today, I’m tired.
There are very straightforward guidelines for maintaining a relationship and keeping everything easy going. I call them the Caveman Commandments

1. Give man sex often – Many difficulties often stem from the fact that a man might be a bit flirtatious. Now I’m not saying a brother is going to stop flirting, but if he has something to remind him of why he got with you in the first place then he is less likely to act on the flirting. I’m not just talking about the good hard working 30 second loving that us men typically do, make us want to work hard for it. Dammit sneak up on me naked!
2. Don’t get mad when you catch me looking – This is important. Just because I look at another woman doesn’t mean that I am going to cheat. I’m a man. I look at butt. Like John Coffey in the Green Mile, “I can’t hep it.” Don’t get pissed off at me… unless I’m looking on a regular basis. If I’m doing that and I don’t care if you catch me, it’s a wrap.
3. Give men sex often – Oh did I say that one already? Well, at least you know this is important. If I have to go more than a week and a half and your friend is not visiting, trust me I’m either going to start looking at porn or I’m going to start taking the flirting thing a step further. Once again, “I can’t hep it.” And yes, it only takes a week for your man’s eyes to start wandering.
4. Tell me what you want me to do – I’m stupid. Fellas I almost feel bad about this one but man you can’t argue. We are stupid. We don’t feel the same way you (women) do about things like talking, hugging, talking, well just talking. You might really be interested in the latest method of building a stronger relationship, but in all honesty at the end of the day if I don’t get butt, hell I can’t hear anything. I go right into ‘Charlie Brown’s teacher is talking mode.’ (Women you can tell when this happens because we resort to words like, “Yeah, that’s real. I agree one hundred percent.”)
5. Make me talk with you – Don’t let me shut down. If you see something is on my mind, don’t automatically assume it is you or the job. Take me to dinner, not a fancy restaurant, just some pizza and video games and get me to chill out a bit. (We like to eat and one hell of a pizza can actually remedy a lot, no kidding.) Then ask me what’s up. After that give me some butt and I’m straight.

Relationships are not difficult. In all honesty, no jokes, when you approach a relationship with the mentality that it is going to be hard work, you have already generated bad feelings and created problems. Relationships are fun and sometimes challenging but on the whole, the process of learning someone takes a lifetime. If you get bored then problems occur and a relationship can be hard to maintain. But women, men are not going to initiate new things. If you can get a brother to read a book, see a movie, go walking, hiking, go to a museum (especially contemporary art museums, they always have naked art in those), try a new restaurant, read a newspaper, try something different then your relationship will remain interesting which is key in keeping the relationship smooth. This is not ‘hard’ work, this is ‘fun’ work. I guess I’m placing a lot on women to do to make the relationship ‘fun’. Well, this is an unfortunate fact that exists in relationships, men are perfectly content with going to the gym, watching the game and kicking it with the fellas. Everything else is not as important, so women things will fall on your head. It’s not fair but at least you are reading it now. I have one more thing to throw in here to make relationships work… women, keep it tight. I was asked once why Black cats, chase White women. My response was pretty basic and honestly it was a very generic answer, ‘white women are less confrontational and White women work out’. But then I thought about the fact that most of the Black dudes I saw with White women, had fat White women and that kind of killed my answer. Back to the topic, men are like water, we seek the path of least resistance. Now I write all of this with one caveat, men you will have to meet women half way and stop being so lazy (and if you did something to get the women you have to at least do what you did once a month).

The myth of relationships being hard is just that a myth. If we all stop entering into relationships with this cliché in our heads we lay the groundwork for relationships to be less stressful and less about work. Relationships built on the premise of ‘fun’ work will last longer and create more understanding couples.